


The Intelligence Files and Daily Life of A Blocky Green Thing

by SkarmorySilver



Category: Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-21 13:58:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17045027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin, a series of intel reports and one-shots depicting Salvo's life as a spy in the Department of Intelligence.





	1. Intelligence Report: "Dora Explores Silent Hill"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   * **Disclaimer :** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. _Minecraft_ (Salvo’s home continuum) belongs to Mojang. _Silent Hill_ belongs to Keiichiro Toyama. _Dora the Explorer_ belongs to Nickelodeon. Salvo belongs to me. “[Dora Explores Silent Hill](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7257938/1/Dora-Explores-Silent-Hill)” belongs to [ArtisticDaze](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/3120029/ArtisticDaze), who may kindly keep it. Preferably far away from me.
>   * **Betas:** S.M.F. and domirossi.
>   * **Content Advisory :** Reader discretion is advised on account of the original fic being NSFW/NSFB, with implied pedophilia and general disturbing imagery.
>   * **Note :** This story takes place one week after the events of “[Little Green Mobs](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1um6YK_9KjccY3R43tZT8qhTkbcmEGy7KikHJjNQqDQY/edit)”.
> 


This is a Department of Intelligence report for the story “ [ Dora Explores Silent Hill ](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7257938/1/Dora-Explores-Silent-Hill) ”. 

 

Okay, first off, I’ve gotta be honest here. If you’d told me a year ago that I’d be spying on “badfic characters”, I’d have had you put to work in a mineshaft for sounding crazy. In all fairness, however, it _still_ sounds crazy. And yet, as I type this, I guess I’ll have to get used to crazy. And typing. Which is also crazy. Yeah, I’ll stop now.

I suppose I should explain myself. My name is Salvo, and I’m a creeper. Yes, _that_ creeper. The kind that tells you, “That’ssss a nice house you’ve got there” and then blows the damn thing to kingdom come just to screw with you. Blocky, green, frowny face, the works. See, a week ago, I was the leader — the mob boss, if you will — of a rather strong creeper faction that had colonized an area rather close to Steve’s house. We had planned to kill him and take his precious diamonds — which, come to think of it, would probably have netted us a nice profit on whatever the hostile mobs had for a market.

Our secret weapon, or so we believed, was another human, whom we knew as Creeper H. Note that I said “or so we believed” — for, predictably, she fell in love with Steve, and would’ve ruined the whole plan had it not been for the actions of, ironically enough, two other humans.

It was these people, known as Rayner and E.V.L., who introduced me to this rather… _strange_ part of the _Minecraft_ world, and they were even kind enough to offer me a means of maintaining my diamond supply, i.e. a new job. All I’d have to do in return was investigate what they referred to as “badfics” — stories written about other stories, which apparently lack the quality of these other stories.

Watch as I take a deep draft from an imaginary cigar and blow out a puff of imaginary smoke, seeing as I don’t have the real deal close at hand. Yet. _(Hhhhh… Ssssssssss.)_

Now, I mean no offense to the PPC as a whole when I say that I’d rather wander into an occupied Nether fortress, without any of my former subordinates to back me up, than endure the horror of badfic in general. But on the other hand, I’m sure that’s a sentiment shared by basically everyone I know and then some.

I’d barely even stepped into the Department of Intelligence when the wise-guys Upstairs (the first I’d ever known, go figure) gave me my first assignment as their newest trainee: a mashup of two thoroughly mismatched continua in what several of my peers referred to as a “Big-Lipped Alligator Moment”, or BLAM for short. A bit of reading defines this as a sudden and completely nonsensical scene in an otherwise serious work which passes by as quickly as it comes, and is never brought up again. I wasn’t sure why they referred to it as such — partly because at the time, I had no idea what an alligator was.

Of course, given the circumstances, the crossover I was sent into would be more accurately described as a “Big-Lipped Alligator Fanfiction” or some equivalent thereof.

Suffice it to say that there are two things you should never, _ever_ do. The first being digging straight down, and the second being combining the horror survival game franchise known as _Silent Hill_ with — I kid you not — _Dora the Explorer._

I have never seen that cartoon series, nor do I plan to. But I’d heard enough about it in my week’s stay at FicPsych to say with confidence that any attempt at merging these two continua will _not_ end well in any reasonable capacity. But nothing could prepare me for what I was about to witness.

Upon entering the fic (namely by being shoved into a portal, which was quite rude but not at all surprising), I found myself in a very awkward form, not unlike Steve or Creeper H, but far less ‘blocky’, with curves and usable hands and _clothing_ . Human!me had brown hair in a ponytail and dark blackish-green duds like a mobster (which was oddly appropriate, given both my origin as a ‘mob boss’ and the fact that the _Silent Hill_ games have featured the Irish mafia once or twice), and my diamond helmet had become a matching bowler hat with a diamond on it. I guessed this would be my human form, should I need to use it, which I presumed to be often. I’d have to get used to walking around on two legs.

I was still struggling to stand upright when I first saw the girl. Against the bleak, earthy background, her bright clothing made her stand out like a beacon in a desert biome — already a bad sign. As soon as Dora started speaking, apparently looking in my general direction, I was immediately assaulted by some of the ugliest prose I’d ever seen. There were literally _no_ paragraph breaks, and I’m not sure if this resulted in the Words turning out beige or urple. Can both exist in one color? Burple? To this day, I neither know nor care.

The fic itself was “only” four chapters long, but that was a mixed blessing, because I had a feeling the chapters themselves would be so long and drawn out that I’d be slogging through the Words like a zombie pigman before long. As it was, Dora wasted no time in venturing into the town, yelling into **the nothingness** , despite the obvious risk of attracting unwanted attention in a place like this.

The badfic also referred to Dora as **the seven year old Mexican girl** several times — rather than, say, Dora.

I should’ve brought a Fictionary. That would’ve been helpful rather than having to guess at everything and work on the Intelligence report from memory after the fact. One thing I do remember, however: Dora was being all but suicidal. The _Silent Hill_ continuum is _not_ a place where, say, **her backpack sang a really obnoxious song about how fantastic is** [sic] **is to be a backpack and how nice it feels to have somebody undo your zipper.**

Yes, her backpack sings. Apparently, it also does in canon. Don’t ask.

Anyway, upon finding the flashlight she’d asked for, Dora continued on her merry way, unaware that I was secretly tailing her. At this point, her chances of survival were rapidly dwindling — and, sure enough, she ended up face-to-face with…

…Oh. Oh, dear. Ohhhhh, dear.

As soon as I heard a rather vivid description of something far too “handsome” and “sensual” for a canon major monster from this game, my hope that this was not who I thought it was rapidly became very, very slim. And then, well… **Between his shoulders, were solid fleshy pectorals, and above them was a very strange metal helmet in a pyramid-like shape. This made him very anonymous, mysterious, and sexy.**

Yep, that’s Pyramid Head for you. Eye candy with a helmet, heart-stealer of gamers everywhere. Right? _Right?_

Ahem. Ahem, ahum, et cetera. Sarcasm aside, I couldn’t really blame Dora for freaking out at the sight of this weird Pyramid Head guy, or rushing off to find a place to hide for that matter. I’d do the same if I’d been faced with a supposedly sexy monster covered in blood.

Dora pretended to be a statue in a bid to escape Pyramid Head, completely oblivious to how conspicuous her clothing made her look. I couldn’t help but wonder if the canon Dora was as stupid as this, but she was apparently relying on the “audience” much like in the show proper. Amazingly, Pyramid Head didn’t even notice her — until a gust of wind blew some dust in her face, making her sneeze. Typical.

The fic described, in a lot more detail than necessary, Pyramid Head picking up Dora and carrying her off, and then the chapter ended. I wanted to get out of here, to never have to lay eyes on this mess of a fic again, but I couldn’t stand never knowing what happened to Dora. I don’t even _like_ Dora. But this went far beyond corrupting a children’s TV show. _This was outright pedophilia._

I made my way to what the fic referred to as **Silent Hill High School in one of the 2nd floor classrooms** , which was apparently where Dora was being kept. Some after-the-fact reading would show that this was incorrect: the school is actually Midwich High School in _Shattered Memories_. Meh, whatever, gotta stick to the main charges and all.

Dora then ran into a random monster, the description of which does not match any _Silent Hill_ mob the Fictionary describes as far as I can tell. It didn’t matter very much because after a harrowing pursuit, she was rescued by none other than Sex God Pyramid Head, who killed it in a single blow. Squish. I was reminded of the dismemberment mods some have created for the _Minecraft_ game, which was the _last_ thing I needed on top of the intended child rape.

After Pyramid Head picked up Dora and carried her off a second time, ending the chapter, I decided that enough was enough. Without looking back even once, I portaled outta there and landed back in HQ, feeling glad to be blocky, green, and four-footed once again — if only for a short while, since someone reminded me a moment later that I’d have to actually type the Intelligence Report. Yipee.

So here I am, the awful memory of Sex God Pyramid Head still fresh in my head, and I feel as though this is only the beginning. I don’t know what other badfics the PPC will send me into, but whatever the case, they sure delivered one Nether of a first assignment. This is probably one of the most disturbing fics I’ve ever seen and in all the wrong ways, and I’m very surprised it hasn’t been handed to the PPC sooner. Why that’s the case is beyond me.

_(Hhhhh… Ssssssssss.)_

I’ll say this much: If the folks Upstairs really do pay me in diamonds, they’d better send me a fat lot of ‘em after what I’ve been through today.

* * *

**PPC Intelligence Report**

**Fic:** “Dora Explores Silent Hill” ( [ https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7257938/1/Dora-Explores-Silent-Hill ](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7257938/1/Dora-Explores-Silent-Hill))

 **Description:** Basically exactly what the title implies, at least at first. Dora somehow ends up in the world of _Silent Hill_ , and while the story proceeds much like a typical _Dora_ episode, partway through the first chapter she promptly runs into a very pedophilic Pyramid Head, and it all goes downhill from there.

 **Plot Holes:** _How_ did Dora end up in _Silent Hill_ in the first place?! That’s the biggest plot hole here by far, and presumably the only one, but unfortunately, it’s the entire reason that this crossover exists, so there’s that.

**Problem Passages:**

  1. _Standing before her was an 8 foot tall sex god, he was very handsome. The light from her flashlight sent waves of light up the bloody cloth covering his legs and waist, and gradually up to his tight muscular pale washboard abs, the abs were covered in blood, sweat, seamen and scars._  
I’m sorry, how is that sexy? If you ask me, covering yourself with bodily fluids and trying to hit on people is just asking for a one-way trip to the Big House. Also, “seamen”? I’m almost glad there was an extra a in there. Almost.
  2. _…for between Pyramid's rugged muscular legs was a rock solid thick penis, oozing with pre-cum. It was at least 17 inches long if not more, and it was thicker than one of her legs, she wasn't sure if he wanted to kill her or rape her at first, but after seeing what this sex god was packing, she realized that the rape would kill her._ _  
_ Aaaaand thank you for making me want a tankard of Bleepka. _Badly._ (By the way, [the world’s longest definitive penis is “only” 13.5 inches long](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonah_Falcon).)
  3. _Dora had always been an explorer, but she was not ready to be explored herself, especially by somebody Pyramid's size._  
Previously on _To Catch a Predator…_
  4. _Pyramid knew Dora's tiny pink vagina would be tightest he'd ever have, he was also aware that because of her age, that he could pound her vagina for another good 5 years before he'd have to use a condom._ _  
_ WHY. JUST. WHY.
  5. _"You know where we are going 7 year old Mexican girl, you know exactly where we are going, and you are going to like it."_  
Yes, that’s Sex God Pyramid Head saying that. Sweet nightmares.



**OCs:** None, save for a possible replaced/Suvian Pyramid Head.

 **Type:** Implausible Crossover, with possible Suvian/character replacement.

 **Offences against Canon:** Having Dora somehow appear in the _Silent Hill_ continuum for no reason whatsoever; no paragraph breaks; terrible SPaG and prose that somehow manages to be beige and urple at the same time. Specific to the Pyramid Head that appears in this fic: being a self-proclaimed sex god; violating the symbolism of the Pyramid Heads in canon; engaging in attempted child rape; somehow looking sexy despite being covered in bodily fluids; and generally trying to establish a NSFW relationship with a children’s cartoon character.

 **Recommendation:** _Get Dora out of there ASAP._ After that, send her to FicPsych and keep her there for a good long while — she’ll damn well _need it._ Also, if Sex God Pyramid Head truly is replaced or otherwise Suvian, kill him quickly and _don’t let ‘im touch Dora at all costs_. Keep an eye out for a possible plot hole containing the _real_ Pyramid Head from whatever game this takes place in — bastard won’t be happy to see you after being contained, methinks.

 **Additional Comments:** This is the only published fic under this particular author. Given what it’s like, I don’t know whether to feel relieved or to despair for the human as an entity. All things considered, the latter seems more likely.


	2. Intelligence Report: "ROOT HER"

  * **Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. _Minecraft_ (Salvo’s home continuum) belongs to Mojang. _Jurassic Park_ belongs to Universal Pictures and Michael Crichton. Salvo and Velociripper belong to me. “[ROOT HER](http://www.jamesleffler.com/2012/04/11/root-her/)” belongs to Michael Collins and dear _gods_ , they may kindly keep it.
  * **Betas:** GlarnBoudin and Badger421.
  * **Content Advisory:** While this story is itself relatively family-friendly excepting the discussion of the fic linked above, reader discretion is nonetheless advised on account of said fic being **NSFW/NSFB** , including graphic depictions of bestiality, consensual rape, and possible maniraptoran body horror.
  * **Note:** This story takes place shortly after “[Open The Door, Get On The Floor](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AYHnhSucVX4UozQvyZA82whJ49vuSiNIU26YhiISayA/edit?usp=sharing)”.
  * **Original Posting Date:** March 30, 2016



 

 _I hope I’m not too late_ , Salvo thought as he stood at the doorway to Medical. _Is there a closing time for visitor hours? I can’t tell._

As soon as he checked into the office, he looked around. There were quite a few stocked-up wards, but he really needed to see just one. Luckily, someone had thought it would be a funny idea to tape a piece of paper on the door of one particular ward.

Salvo was in his human disguise, so he couldn’t explode even if he’d wanted to, and his gangster suit and diamond helmet were his only means of protection. Still, he knocked on the door, and a voice bade for him to enter. Upon stepping in, however, he did not know what to make of the sight.

A Japanese young man with red hair lay on the bed, hooked up to a health monitor that was beeping like in some kind of hospital drama. His left arm and leg were bandaged, as were his chest and forehead, and a blood bag was connected to his other arm.

“Do I know you?” asked the man, cocking his head at him.

Salvo raised an eyebrow. “Were you attacked by something?”

The man nodded just slightly. “Why do you ask?”

“Someone taped a piece of paper with the words, ‘DANGER: ANGRY _DEINONYCHUS_ ’ on the door of your ward. Is it in this ward? Is it… _behind_ you?”

The man chuckled darkly. “The _Deinonychus_ is not _behind_ me, helmet-bearer. The _Deinonychus is_ me.”

Salvo gave him a puzzled look, and he probably would have taken out and smoked his cigar if it weren’t for the fact that he was in Medical of all places. “Huh. Never would’ve thought the PPC hired dinosaurs.”

“We have a bird, which _obviously_ counts. And he happens to be my partner, incidentally.”

“Falchion, right? And you are…?”

“My name is Velociripper, or Ripper for short. I disguised myself like this for the sake of convenience. I suppose people find it easier to heal other people than non-human species.”

Salvo shuddered a little, and moved to sit on the guest chair. “Were you among the group who bumped off that saurian Stu I heard of today?”

“Come again?”

“ _My Little Pony_ -slash- _Jurassic Park_ crossover. Not fun. _At all._ ”

Ripper raised an eyebrow. “How did you know of it?”

Salvo looked away. “Knowledge is power, Ripper. Me, I like power. It… suits me.”

Ripper mulled over Salvo’s question for a moment. “…Yes. I _did_ encounter him. He injured me too much for me to participate in his execution, however. I owe the pack of Falchion’s sister for finishing the job.”

Salvo sighed and shook his head. “Ah, don’t sweat it too much, goomba. We here at the PPC, we’ve gotta have each other’s backs no matter what. I’ve heard over the redstone line that there’ve been shenanigans within these very walls in the past. Hundreds, probably thousands of people got whacked in all sorts of crazy ways. What your buddies did, they were just keepin’ you off the long hit list.”

Ripper’s eyes narrowed. “Neither I nor Sarah and her pack are a statistic, whomever you are. We are individuals, and some of us have allies, packmates who regard us as family.”

“The name’s Salvo, and for my taste, the PPC at large _is_ our family. Even if the capos give us a heck of a bad day every now and then.”

Ripper rubbed his cheek with his good hand. “I suppose there’s that. All the same, a debt is a debt. I know Sarah will never accept any returned favors from me, but her packmates may. If you have any ideas…”

“Hey, I paid a fat stack o’ diamonds to get you all seven _Harry Potter_ books. If you want a gift delivered, I’ve got the dough to pay it off. Or, well, I’m _trying_ to get it. I mean, _you_ were lucky to endure only like what, three or so chapters before things went south? I had to sit through all five…”

Ripper sat up a little straighter. “Wait… Is your territory within the DI?”

“Eh, only place I could stay that didn’t have the risk of me blowin’ up. I’m a _Minecraft_ creeper, y’know? Wrecking people’s houses was my thing until—”

“You wrote the report for that fic,” said Ripper, his face betraying disgusted realization.

Salvo realized what he was talking about, and then that he had said the wrong thing. He covered his mouth, looking visibly uncomfortable, and then nodded.

Ripper sank a little deeper into his bed, glaring up at the ceiling. “I should have known there was a reason for your intrusion. Was this what you wanted to tell me?”

Salvo gulped. “Well, you kinda figured it out, but yeah. But keep in mind, I’m not the one responsible for the report droppin’ in on this Sarah girl’s console.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you were the one who received the fic in the first place. I am _not_ amused — especially considering that I had half my skeleton broken and am unable to hunt for a few weeks at best because of you.”

Salvo looked clearly insulted. “Look, bub, I _already_ said that we spies aren’t the ones who send the reports out, so I can’t control who gets what. I _am_ sorry that you had to go through all this, but I can’t take any responsibility for it. I’m just a hostile mob who investigates fics and determines if they’re worth the effort to bump off. Nether, I’m not even at 10th Class yet!”

Ripper apparently wasn’t buying it, so Salvo pressed a little. “And if it’s any consolation, you should be thankful that unlike myself, you haven’t seen the business end of any _Jurassic Park_ erotica, at least as far as I know.”

That got Ripper’s attention. He sat almost upright, wincing as he felt his broken bones, and stared at Salvo. “ _Jurassic Park_ erotica? Are you sure you aren’t referring to animatronics?”

“Nope, uh-uh. Pure, unfiltered dino porn. Hard to believe that’s actually a thing, but there you go.”

Ripper gave him a look that would have peeled paint. “Given what you’re saying, I’m guessing _you_ have experienced this ‘unfiltered dino porn’, and I will say right now that I do _not_ like where this is going. If any such content shows up on Falchion’s console—”

“Chillax, bro. That stuff’s outta my hands now, or whatever equivalent us creepers have. If there’s anybody you should pick on, it’s our friends in the Sorting Room. We send our reports to them, and _they_ send the reports to the action departments. Plain and simple.”

Ripper relaxed a little, so Salvo guessed that he’d succeeded in placating him for now.

“Alas, my morbid curiosity insists,” Ripper said after a moment of silence. “ _Were_ you sent to investigate a squickfic of my home continuum?”

“Funny, weren’t the JP ‘raptors’ called _Velociraptor_? Huh. Anyway, yeah, I finished the report just today. If it comforts you any, it’s probably halfway to the peeps over at WhatThe by now. I feel sorry for anyone who has to see even half of what I did.”

Ripper gave him a disturbed look. “What did you see?”

Salvo broke out in a cold sweat. “Well… Y’know the opening scene of the first JP movie? The one with Muldoon tryin’ to get the Big One into her pen?”

“Ah, yes. I can only imagine how terrified the humans must’ve been when they first saw that in theaters.”

“Well, be glad they didn’t see anything even halfway close to played out in this monster of a fic. Now _that_ would’ve given the lil’ ones a lifetime’s worth of nightmares. So, here I am, hidin’ in the bushes, and the scene plays out as normal. And then, suddenly, I get a really long and tedious text wall where Joffrey, the guy who gets eaten in that scene, takes one look at the raptor and… well, you _know_ this is gonna be awful when the raptor chow to be starts thinkin’ the dino’s a _goddess_. I kid you not, that was _literally_ what the fic was sayin’.”

Ripper’s mouth fell open. “That makes no sense. The _entire badfic_ makes no sense.”

“Yeah, exactly! So, anyway, it’s all gone kaput over yonder, people are runnin’ around screamin’ their heads off. And then y’know what happens? Muldoon _loosens the bolts of the cage_ so the raptor can escape. What’s he thinkin’, bustin’ her outta there like the world’s most helpful cooked porkchop? He’d never even _consider_ it in the actual movie.”

“How many other members of the herd were affected?” asked Ripper.

“Herd? Oh, you mean the canon characters and random bits? Muldoon and especially Joffrey were the worst affected, but I don’t think anybody else got in her… Wait. Should I stop now while you’re still good and innocent?”

Ripper looked tense. “I lost my innocence almost as soon as Aperture Science cloned me. Don’t ask. What happened then, anyway? Did the raptor go after Muldoon as well?”

Salvo started sweating again. “Well… Not quite, but Muldoon did do unspeakable things in the presence of what was happening. And the fic made it _very_ clear that the raptor was a female.”

“All the dinosaurs in the canon Jurassic Park are female.”

“No, not that. I mean… This one… She had… uh… _human_ anatomy ‘down there’, if you know what I mean.”

Ripper’s eyes nearly popped out of his sockets. “She had a _mammalian vagina?!_ ”

Salvo covered his face with both hands. “No, but they referred to her ‘special place’ as a ‘velocigina’, and golly, did she know how to _use it._ ”

Ripper made a retching noise. “I am appalled and disgusted. A relationship like what you described would be extremely implausible, and there is no way it would come even _close_ to producing viable offspring. Even mating between two species of the same _genus_ would produce deformed or sterile offspring. Human/dinosaur breeding is just… unthinkable. And disturbing.”

“Oh, it got worse. Joffrey found out the hard way that she had a _clitoris._ ”

Beat. “And this is the point where I deem you unwelcome for the time being,” Ripper snarled, glaring at the creeper.

Salvo stood up, rubbing the back of his head. “Yeah, well, I pretty much showed myself out the moment I got to the clit part, too. Listen, I know you’re mad at me for scopin’ out that fic you iced today, but y’know, count your blessings before you start yakkin’ at me for it. For one thing, be grateful that the fic that landed you here was only T-rated at most. Who knows, if things had happened a little differently, _you’d_ have gotten an unwanted load of awful raptor porn, and I’d rather not have stuck around to see you come outta _that_ one.”

Ripper sighed and covered his eyes with his good hand. “You did say there wouldn’t be much of a chance for it to be sent to Floaters, let alone to me and my pack. I’m grateful for that, but all the same, I feel that asking about what you witnessed was a grave mistake.”

“Believe me, goin’ into the fic in the first place was a mistake on my part.” Salvo sighed, as though exhaling smoke drawn from an imaginary cigar. “I’m so sorry that you had to hear all of that. And just for you, I’m sorry that the fic I scoped out ended up hurting you in the end.”

“An apology is the _least_ you can provide,” said Ripper, lying back down on his bed. “Regardless, I don’t want to see you or anyone else more than I need to right now. I’m sure we can communicate more amicably some other time, but for now, I must recover from my injuries in peace, and I would rather do so in isolation.” Then he paused. “Before you leave, though, could you at least pass me the Suebuprofen?”

Salvo did so without hesitation. “I’m probably gonna go pop a good El Olvidadizo myself. Nothin’ like the good stuff to clear your head of velociginas, huh?”

“Say that one more time, and so help me, I’ll bite your throat out,” Ripper replied, before snorting dryly. “Don’t take that seriously. Really, though, I’d rather not hear that word ever again.”

“That makes two of us,” Salvo replied with a smirk. With that, he said his goodbye and exited the Medical Ward, leaving Ripper to take his medicine. Both of them were going to need a _lot_ of Bleeproducts in the days to come, that was a given.

 

* * *

 

**PPC Intelligence Report**

**Fic:** “ROOT HER” (<http://www.jamesleffler.com/2012/04/11/root-her/>)

 **Description:** An “extended edition” of the opening scene from the first _Jurassic Park_ movie. Namely, that ill-fated park employee being _consensually raped_ by the _Velociraptor._

 **Plot Holes:** None, with the possible exception of the cloning process _somehow_ resulting in a raptor having biologically incorrect, human-like genitalia.

**Problem Passages:**

  1. _Strangely enough though, he didn’t really mind! While Joffrey would have preferred not to die, this prehistoric jack the ripper was somehow the most beautiful creature he had ever seen – from her lustrous amber eyes to her graceful, prehensile tail – all the way to her muscular thighs and smooth, curvy footclaws. It would be an honour to be ravaged by such a….a…goddess! Blissfully and with complete disregard for his mutilated ankle and gashed open head, he reached out and smiled at the creature as she reared up and opened her jaws…_  
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the precise moment where the fic goes into a tailspin.
  2. _In a state of calm bliss, Muldoon strode over to the radio and casually informed the Jurassic Park control centre that they were ready for the other raptors now and also while they were at it perhaps a few crates of strong alcohol and some women’s clothing._  
This, coming from the very same guy who was screaming “SHOOOOOOT HERRRRR” in the actual scene this was inspired by?
  3. _Cautiously at first, lest he somehow alarm her or turn her off, Joffrey began to lightly rub the area around her velocigina with his chin, nuzzling the rough, pebble-like folds of skin surrounding it with his tongue. The creature howled with a terrifying, primordial delight and thrust herself back against Joffrey’s mouth, knocking out his front teeth and ramming his lower jaw deep inside her._  
**VELOCIGINA.** Sweet mother of Notch, is this fic even taking itself seriously anymore?!
  4. _“GRKHLONNGGGGHKGFLFGLGLUMMMPH!!!!” Joffrey whispered seductively as he continued to work his magic on her with his mouth parts, delicately teasing her harsh, sandpaper-like clitoris as he did so._  
Apart from _the obvious_ , how does someone whisper in CAPSLOCK and multiple exclamation points?! Ugh, I give up.



**OCs:** None, with the possible exception of Joffrey being an OC stand-in.

 **Type:** WhatThe, full stop.

 **Offences against Canon:** Too many to list. Here are the ones I can spot after skimming over the fic in one minute: screwing over the _very first scene_ of the original _Jurassic Park_ movie; making everyone completely OOC; replacing the Big One; giving said Big One inaccurate anatomy, including and _especially_ human-like sex organs; disgusting urple prose that detracts from the already abysmal quality of the work; possibly replacing a canon bit character (and killing off said replacement anyway); and having more than enough potential to traumatize _Jurassic Park_ fans everywhere.

 **Recommendation:** _Kill that raptor with extreme prejudice._ ‘Joffrey’ is also likely to have been a replacement of the actual character who died in the movie scene, so probably kill the replacement as well if the raptor doesn’t get him first. Then, get Muldoon to FicPsych _immediately._ Finally, grab the Big One out of the plot hole that’s no doubt a part of all this and stick her in her pen.

 **Additional Comments:** I am amazed that the DI had to actually send someone into this debacle of a fic, let alone myself, and I doubt they did so for any reason other than masochistic inquiry. I mean, this fic was literally hosted on a site known as _The International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer's Association_. Do I _need_ to explain any further?


End file.
